ANIMAL CROSSING--Local general-store proprietor Tom Nook is in police custody after the discovery of human remains on his pig farm. In a predawn raid to serve a search warrant on unrelated money-laundering charges, authorities were horrified to discover several pigs gnawing on a human torso.
Though primarily known as a shopkeep, Nook had a very lucrative loan-sharking business on the side, authorities said. The raccoon had a penchant for luring out-of-towners and forcing them to take on large amounts of debt in exchange for Section 8-qualifying housing. The remains found on the farm are believed to be a number of business associates who had gone missing in recent months.
One customer of Nook's, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution, said that the store owner had been acting stressed as of late. Recently introduced public transportation to the nearby city has siphoned off some of his customer base. Prior to the transit system, Nook had a virtual monopoly on the town, which he flexed with huge markups on life-saving prescription drugs and baby formula.
The arrest came as a shock to many of the town's residents, who described the raccoon as a gregarious sort.
"He was the head of our welcoming committee and always had a cheerful thing to say," according to Animal Crossing resident Baarbara. "He was my friend. (Note: Not friend, but N was what they really said.) Clu-2's epic! GO CASTOR! CRAY-DAIMON CRAY 23:57, March 6, 2011 (UTC)